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"I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me... they're cramming for their final exam."
George Carlin

"The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."
George Carlin

"Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck."
George Carlin

"If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten."
George Carlin

"If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little."
George Carlin

"The word bipartisan means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out."
George Carlin

"There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness."
Friedrich Nietzsche

"A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits."
Robert Heinlein

"Famous enough to have my phone calls returned is about as famous as I want to be."
Neil Gaiman

"I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them."
Isaac Asimov

"A room without books is like a body without a soul."
G.K. Chesterton

"If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error."
John Kenneth Galbraith

"It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts."
G.B. Burgin

"I wasn't born a fool. It took work to get this way."
Danny Kaye

"You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you."
Ray Bradbury

"London City Airport. Where form meets function. And they have a fight."
Stephen Fry

"I hate it when a movie kills off a beloved character. This is great, though."
Mystery Science Theater 3000

"Let's recap the action so far."
"Uh, nothing really."
"Okay, moving on."
Mystery Science Theater 3000

"Hey! I know you're an evil Hellbeast, but could you keep it down? It's after nine and we've got kids!"
Mystery Science Theater 3000

"Well Mike, that's just the difference between you and me."
"You hire deranged psychopaths as caterers and I don't?"
"Exactly."
Mystery Science Theater 3000