George Carlin
"I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me... they're cramming for their final exam."

"The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."

"Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck."

"Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?"

"If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten."

"The caterpillar does all the work but the butterfly gets all the publicity."

"Atheism is a non-prophet organization."

"The word bipartisan means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out."

"There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls."

"If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little."

Friedrich Nietzsche
"There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness."

Robert Heinlein
"A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits."

Elayne Boosler
"When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country."

Eleanor Roosevelt
"A woman is like a teabag, you never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water."

Neil Gaiman
"Famous enough to have my phone calls returned is about as famous as I want to be."