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Check, Please

I didn't know which way the date was going—good, or bad—when she leaned over and whispered, “Sometimes I narrate my life out loud. Like I'm a character in a movie.”

She was having pancakes, and I was having a steak, and the situation suddenly became... well... surreal. I shrugged, though. This was Los Angeles. On the list of possible quirks in a date, that one seemed downright fun and innocuous.

“I talk to myself out loud,” I said, and smiled to show that I appreciated her candor. Though I didn't understand why she felt the need to whisper it.

“Not just any movie,” she continued, louder this time, and on her side of the table.

Ask what kind of movie, I thought, it's expected, and I did.

She grinned—specifically, the kind of expression that you give when divulging a secret, or a guilty pleasure. “A horror movie,” she told me, and I felt the date abruptly take a nosedive. But I kept smiling.

“Why a horror movie? Why not a—an existential film? Or a comedy?”

She—her name was Diane, I reminded myself—snorted, and not delicately, and took a large bite of pancake. “Comedies are so boring,” she answered, “compared to the tricky psychological terror of a good horror movie. I narrate my life as if I'm the killer, too. Like I'm walking around, unsuspected, capable of murder.” It was said with the same expression that you use to talk about chocolate binges.

I was equal parts nervous, and equal parts intrigued. “Well, this is LA. Ever thought about auditioning to actually be in a horror movie?”

“Yes,” she sighed, “but they didn't call me back.”

“That's silly, you're beautiful, and I bet you could act pretty well,” I ventured. “It's not hard for a girl, you just scream and run away, right?”

Diane beamed. “Oh, thank you. But I was auditioning for a male part. The serial killer. And they... well, they didn't give me too much criticism; they just told me to leave, and I got escorted out, lucky me.” She continued to smile.

“Escorted... out?”

“Two nice gentlemen, but they seemed pretty grumpy. It's nice for a girl in the city, though, don't you think? I get the same treatment a lot of places. LA is a lot more old fashioned than I thought, when I moved here.”

Check, please.